Response Ficlet
Response ficlet that's rather like response poetry.
I should be working on my bestmatesxmas, but this was far too enticing not to write Harry & Draco silliness. ~1000 words. Unbeta'd LOL.

Title:Unsolicited Criticism
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Rating: PG slash (still it's for grown ups)

Summary: Draco is the SPAG master!!! Harry's his bitch!




As Harry continued to read the report that had magically appeared in his inbox five minute earlier, he went through a rainbow of emotions. First he was confused as to what he was actually looking at, but the longer he read, the angrier he became.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Harry finally shrieked. "You ever seen something like this?" He thrust the report at Ron.

"Looks like someone bled all over it."

"Look at it."

"What is it?"

"It's my report from the Collins case."

"That was over two months ago." Ron examined the report, which was covered in red ink. There wasn't a sentence that had escaped being lined and edited in some way.

"That ever happen to any of your reports?" asked Harry.

Ron shook his head and handed the report back. "Never seen anything like it."

"I guess I'd better ask Dawlish."

***

"Umm, sir? Sorry to bother you, but this was in my in box?" Harry held up the report for Dawlish to see.

Dawlish, unlike Ron, had seen such a thing before. He only took a quick glance at it and replied, "It's been edited by the Department of SPAG."

"Spag?" asked Harry.

"Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar."

"I've never heard of it."

"They review reports and records and make editing suggestions. It's to improve our proficiency," Dawlish said amicably.

"But I wrote this over two months ago?"

"They must be backlogged."

"So what do I do? The case is long closed."

"Just make the edits and re-file."

"But I'm working on the Van Zant case."

"It shouldn't take too long."

Harry handed Dawlish the report. Dawlish looked over the thick stack of parchment. Every page was overflowing with red edits. He turned the pages sideways and chuckled at one of the comments written in the margin.

"Well, I can see how this might take some time."

"Most of them aren't even real corrections."

"Then I suggest you take it up with the SPAG department."

"But—"

"Either that, or make the edits and re-file the report."

There was no fucking way Harry was going to re-write a two month old report of a case long and buried while he had a hot lead on the Van Zant case. Besides, most of the edits were suggesting he change his writing style and adjust his voice. What the fuck was voice?

It took him twenty minutes to locate the Department of SPAG. It was tucked in the far corner of the second floor behind the Department of Unusually Behaving Heirlooms. He was determined to get the department to retract their comments. This had nothing to do with proficiency. In fact, it seemed like a colossal waste of time and thus, inefficiency. Harry mentally filed that away so that he could use it in discussion.

Then it all became so painfully clear. Sitting at the sole SPAG office desk was Draco Sodding Malfoy. He'd heard that he'd been hired by the Ministry a few weeks ago, but hadn't heard by which office.

"Malfoy?"

"Hmm, take a number," Malfoy said not looking up from his stack of parchment.

"Malfoy!"

...

"There's no one else here."

"Take a number, please," Malfoy said in a calm and ultra-professional tone.

Harry tossed his red report onto the desk in front of Malfoy. "What are you playing at, Malfoy?"

"Oh, Potter. Yes, I can see how you might not be able to comprehend what's going on, but I edited your report. It needs much work. In fact, I suggest you start the entire thing over."

"There's nothing wrong with this report."

"I beg to differ and I have been hired to—"

"You just redlined all those things because it was my report. This has nothing to do with editing."

"So you'd like to believe."

"I know."

"Your grammar is on par with the average variety garden gnome. Your spelling is atrocious. Your punctuation is non-existent and you write solely in declarative sentences."

"It's an investigation report not a fucking novel."

"All the more reason for it to be clear and concise."

"My superiors had no problem with it when they read it two months ago."

"Clearly they do not have sufficient training in my area of expertise."

"What's that? Being a total twat?"

"I have the authority to reject the permanent filing of any unfit report."

"And I have the authority to punch you in the face."

"You do not."

They were in a stalemate.

Harry rubbed his eyes and took a long cleansing breath. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because I can," Malfoy replied with an evil smirk.

Harry stormed off. There was only one thing he could do.

***

"Hermione, please."

"No. I have my own work."

"But he's just doing it to get a rise out of me."

"Then it worked." She patted Harry gently on the shoulder. "Just do the edits and be done. Let him think that he's had his fun. If you fight him, it's only going to make things worse."

She had a point.

***

Harry spent the weekend re-writing using Malfoy's edits and then re-filed the report. He thought it was done and over. He was wrong. On Wednesday, the re-written report appeared in his inbox covered in a fresh coat of barely dry red ink.

"I'm going to kill him."

Harry stormed into the SPAG office with his wand out and at the ready.

"Take a number," Malfoy said calmly, ignoring the threat.

"Let's see how well you hold a quill with ferret legs," Harry said.

"Potter, get out of my office."

"Why? Tell me why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you doing this? Is this how you amuse yourself? You want to put me down?"

"Put you down? The whole wizarding world has you on such a high pedestal that I couldn't put you down even if I had a herd of Manticores under my command."

"Malfoy?"

"What?"

"I thought we'd made peace? After your hearing, I thought…"

Malfoy's hard veneer seemed to crack a little. "You thought?"

"Why are you giving me such a hard time?"

"Difficult might be a better word choice," Malfoy said softly.

Harry threw his hands into the air. "What do you want from me?"

"Lunch?"

"What?" Harry asked, completely thrown by the change in course of the conversation.

"I don't know. Maybe lunch… or a drink after work."

"Then why not just ask me that?"

"I just did."

"Sorry?"

"I had to get you down here somehow."

Harry collapsed into the sole guest chair. His head felt so heavy that it might fall off. "You… you rejected my reports because you wanted my attention?"

"Yes, that… and your incorrect use of commas gives me cramps."

"Fine. Let's get a drink after work." Harry knew it was probably a mistake, but if it got Malfoy off his back, so be it.

He was almost out the SPAG office door when he heard Malfoy say, "I hope your fellatio is better than your writing."