Rickey A (![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} rickey_a) wrote,@ 2009-07-02 18:12:00 |
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| Entry tags: | hp, my fic, snape/harry |
FIC: Visiting Hours (Part 1 of 2) - Snarry
Title: Visiting Hours (Part 1 of 2)
Author: rickey_a
Pairing: Snape/Harry
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: None
Word count: ~5,900 (~14k total)
Summary: Harry visits Snape in St. Mungo's after the war and it leads them down a new a road.
Notes: Hmmm, where to begin. I really loved the good karma concept of livelongnmarry but didn't feel comfortable auctioning off my writing. After the crazy wonderful bidding ended, I offered any price ficlets as consolation prizes for folks who wanted to donate money, but the bidding was just way out of their price league. So I wrote two ficlets last fall.
Then recently there was a post at livelongnmarry regarding a number of winning bidders (donations) that the goods never came through. Now absolutely some of them are well meaning folks who got inundated with real life and do still plan to make good (just late), but some are truly MIA. That bums me out. In particular, I saw that accioslash made quite a number of sizable donations to the cause, and hadn't received many of her winnings. I always see accioslash doing all sorts of pay it forward, gifts, and random acts of kindness for her friends-list and fandom, so I felt compelled to write some Snarry for her as a consolation prize. I had intended for it to be a short ficlet, but then there was this rabid bunny, and a full-fledged short story grew out of it. (I really hope you enjoy it and that it gives you some consolation)
Super duper beta thanks to thevina, tjwritter, and alisanne along with a shout to the gang at FFC and I.Smith for looking over the preliminary concept for me and offering some advice.
May 1998
His chest feels as if someone, no, a Troll is standing on top of it. Everything is dark. He cannot move, not even his eyelids. He cannot speak.
But he can remember.
Images flash across his consciousness like dreams: a vicious snake, fangs, and blood – green eyes drowned by a sea of red waves – more blood.
There is always blood.
He's unsure if he is alive or dead and he drifts in and out of self-awareness, drifts along a sea of memories.
At some point, he realizes that he can hear. They are the muffled voices of strangers, but he hears them. Then one voice achieves clarity. Severus recognizes that voice.
"Any change today?"
Potter.
Suddenly Severus yearns to awaken. That's new.
"The stasis bubble seems bluer today. Do you think that means he'll wake up soon?"
"Sorry, Mr. Potter. It's going to be quite some time before he regains consciousness, if ever. While the vast quantities of anti-venom and blood replenishing solution he consumed probably saved his life, they also far exceeded the human toxicity level."
Potter is alive. Perhaps he is, too. Severus feels himself slipping back into oblivion, and his willpower alone is not enough to stop the slide.
More snakes. Large slithering snakes wrap around and constrict him. Talking snakes bathed in bright light, so bright that he has to look away. Snakes with red eyes. Thin cold black snakes that wrap around his wrists and ankles.
"Do you have to restrain him like that?"
"It's to keep him from injuring himself. Sometimes he thrashes around quite violently –
probably a reaction to all the potions still in his system."
The clock chimes three.
"Any change?"
Severus smells antiseptic and bleach. He is nauseous. The smell fades and soon, so does he.
Wake up Goddamn you! You selfish, selfish bastard! You've left us to clean up your bloody mess. Wake up!
Severus would if he could, if only to tell Potter that he's an arrogant, self centered prick. The yelling subsides, and Severus realizes that Potter is crying. There is that.
"Hermione thinks that you're in a coma. She says that there are records of people in a coma who've been able to hear what's going on around them. Ummm. She thinks that I come here every day because I need to talk to you. Ginny, on the other hand, thinks I'm unwilling to move on. She's right, but that has nothing to do with this."
It takes a few moments to comprehend that Potter is having a one-sided conversation with him. It sounds as if he's underwater. He tries to open his eyes but nothing happens. He feels like he's underwater as well. There is a subtle pressure that surrounds him.
"It seems unfair that it should end this way. After everything you've done."
Potter is alive. Is the Dark Lord dead? The clock chimes four. Severus tries to open his eyes. He feels a tug on his mind. He's being pulled. Deeper. Black.
"They reopened Hogwarts today. Well, not to the students, but there was a ceremony this afternoon. That's why I was late. I can't believe it's been six weeks. It's gone by so fast. I wish you could have been there. People need to know…"
What? There's a burning in his throat. Thirsty. He's thirsty. He tries to open his mouth. Nothing happens.
"I told them what you did. I hope it's enough."
He dreams of Albus standing over him in flowing purple robes and glimmering half-moon spectacles. His lips are moving, but Severus can't hear what he's saying. Severus reaches into his robes for his wand, but it's not there. Suddenly he has his wand, and they're in the Astronomy Tower. Draco Malfoy is there, crying and bleeding from deep gashes across his chest. Severus points his wand at Albus. Avada Kedavra!
The clock chimes three. Severus feels a light tug on his arm. He feels someone gently holding his hand. He tries to squeeze back. Nothing happens.
"I started Auror training today. Kingsley squared it away so that I can come for visiting hours. Well, not every day, maybe once or twice a week. I… I had hoped you'd have woken up after a few days… or even weeks, but I'm not giving up."
Potter is holding his hand. Potter is alive. Perhaps he is too.
"…and then Ron stunned the instructor. He wasn't expecting it, not at all. He really underestimated Ron. A lot of people do."
Severus is thirsty and wants Potter to stop babbling and get him a drink of water. He tries to move, but nothing happens. He slides back into his dreams. Regulus is there – young and warm. Today it is a good dream.
"I wish I could have known the real you. There must be some of that person my mother cared about still left inside. I wish you didn't hate me so."
The clock chimes four and Potter leaves. Severus feels angry and wistful at the same time. He is also hungry. His stomach gives an involuntary growl.
"I was so scared and so angry for so long. I didn't understand what you were doing or why. I always thought that Professor Dumbledore was wrong about you. I'm sorry I doubted him."
Potter is confessing his sins again. It's agony to listen to. Severus thinks perhaps he is dead and this is hell. He's been awake more than asleep lately, or whatever it is when he's not aware of Potter visiting or some mediwitch levitating him off the bed to change the sheets. He is aware of no one else. He only recognizes Potter and his tales of remorse and chronic loneliness. Dante never knew of such torture. Severus' most fervent desire is that he could scream; either that or truly find oblivion. Instead, he can only examine the deeper contents of his soul, and much to his surprise, find empathy.
"Any change?"
Potter is back after only one day's absence.
"Sorry, love."
Severus recognizes Flora, the mediwitch who looks after him most days. She has a serene voice and gentle touch.
"No one else has been to see him?"
"Only you, Mr. Potter, and Minerva McGonagall that one time, but I told you about that. How's the weather out there?"
"It's getting cold."
"I was going to decorate his room with a few jack-o-lanterns for Halloween. Do you think he'd like that?"
"I don't know. Sn— Professor Snape never seemed like a festive person, but I'm thinking that I didn't really know him at all."
"Maybe one or two then."
Severus hears her leave, and Potter takes his hand as usual. Severus is uncertain when Potter began holding his hand, but he does remember Potter saying that he hopes it helps him to know that someone is there, reaching out to him. Potter babbles about the Weasleys and his Auror training. Also as usual, the conversation takes a serious turn, and he speaks of remorse and longing for things he cannot have. Severus feels sorry for him, which is quite humorous actually, because he is the one trapped inside his prison of a body. He laughs.
Potter stops talking abruptly.
It takes a moment before Severus realizes that he laughed out loud. It wasn't a laugh exactly, just a sharp exhale, but it was voluntary. He made it happen. He tries again. It comes out as a raspy "ha" and is followed by a violent cough.
"Oh my God. Oh my God," Potter whispers, squeezes his hand, and then runs from the room. Everything changes quite quickly after that.
Within moments Severus was surrounded by Healers and mediwitches. Events moved rapidly in a blur of diagnostic charms and removal of the stasis and restraining spells. He opened his eyes. He spoke, albeit roughly. He drank a few meager sips of water. He looked for Potter, but he was gone.
They gave him potions. They asked him questions. They let him rest.
Kingsley arrived early the next morning. He was Severus' first visitor from the outside world, not counting Potter. Potter never counted. Severus was surprised, yet not surprised, to find that Kingsley was acting Minister for Magic. He was far more shocked by how warmly Kingsley greeted him. He was informed that he was completely exonerated and that the Auror guards outside his door were strictly for his protection. Severus wasn't convinced.
Kingsley explained that there had been loose tongues on the St. Mungo's staff and The Daily Prophet had picked up the story. It was being reported that he'd made a miracle recovery. Severus scoffed at that idea. He had been in a magical coma for less than six months, not six years. The Healers wanted to let him magically recover, but as soon as they said he was ready, Kingsley swore that he would return his wand, which he had stored for safe keeping at the Ministry.
After Kinglsey left, Severus asked for the paper. He read it cover to cover while he sipped warm tea and attempted to eat what the hospital believed passed for porridge. While there were many quotes by hospital staff regarding his condition, there was the noticeable absence of Potter's name from any of the articles.
The second day back in the world of the living, Severus was allowed to eat two pieces of toast with orange marmalade while Poppy and Minerva stood over him, intently watching him swallow each mouthful. At least afterwards, Poppy tortured the St. Mungo's staff regarding his care. Minerva told him of the reopening of Hogwarts and brought two boxes of his clothing and personal effects. She then gently broke the news that the Ministry had confiscated the remainder of his possessions. Severus made a mental note to ask Flora for parchment and quill so he could send an owl to Kingsley.
Later that afternoon Lucius and Narcissa paid him a surprising visit. Apparently Potter's call for amnesty was extended to them as well, but they spoke nothing of the war. They only wished him a quick recovery and to offer him any assistance that he might need. He hadn't been awake for forty-eight hours and they were attempting to make an alliance already. The visit left him even more disoriented, which he hadn't thought possible.
Severus asked Flora to bring all the newspapers she could gather from the days following the defeat. He stayed up past midnight reading until the night witch took them away and threatened him with a sleeping draught. He feigned sleep, while he stayed awake with his thoughts. It was shocking to say the least. Narcissa had helped Potter at a crucial moment and the Malfoys didn't fight in the final battle. For that matter, Potter didn't really fight either. He defeated the Dark Lord with a simple Disarming Charm and a pure soul – the latter much harder to come by.
Anxious to confront Potter, Severus was sorely disappointed when the boy didn't show up again the next day. Potter's avoidance after all the months of visiting was confounding. Instead Arthur and Molly Weasley visited. They wanted to assure him that they understood that he had been on their side all along and that they should have trusted Dumbledore's judgment. Severus had read that one of the twins had died in the final battle. He could feel their grief in every word they spoke. At least she brought fudge.
"I want my wand, Kingsley. I want out of here." Despite that fact the he couldn't feel his magic yet, Severus was itching to hold his wand.
"The Healers are quite adamant that you are not ready to be released yet. Severus, I promise you that I will personally return your wand the moment that they say that you can have it."
"And what about the guards?"
"We’ve been over this already. They are here for your protection."
"Then at least keep those god damn reporters out of here. They keep sneaking in." Severus was also itching to ask Kingsley about Potter, but thought better of it.
Draco came bearing an ostentatious arrangement of flowers. It had Narcissa's handy work all over it. The young man looked frail and unsure as he took the seat next to the bed. He said almost nothing, which suited Severus fine, for he wasn't interested in conversation, at least not with Draco. Before Draco left, he extended an invitation from his parents. Once the boy had gone, Severus laughed out loud at the idea of convalescing at Malfoy Manor. He had no desire to return to the Dark Lord's base of operations. For the first time in his life he was free, and he intended to remain that way. He'd spent most of his life indentured to the Dark Lord and indebted to Albus. Lucius Malfoy was not next on the list.
It was an entire week before Potter reappeared – flanked on each side by Weasley and Granger. Severus couldn't recall them joining him before. The three of them stood next to the bed and stared at him as if some sort of reckoning.
Potter carried a modest bouquet of lilies. Severus cringed inwardly at the forced attempt at something profound, but then suddenly was hit hard by the implication. His words sprung forth like a reflex. "I want my memories returned," he said, far more viciously than he had intended.
Potter took a fraction of a step backwards. "Of course. I… I…"
Granger interrupted, rescuing Potter. "We had hoped that you'd survive, but the Healers were quite doubtful. But Harry believed. He visited you all the time."
"I remember. He had an insatiable need to hold my hand."
Potter gasped, panic stricken.
"Not everything. I was in and out. My consciousness increased with time."
"Fascinating," Granger said, then took a step closer. "How long?"
"I'm uncertain. I think shortly after I was brought here I only had a few scattered moments of lucidity, but I've been mostly conscious during daylight hours for at least the last month or so."
Potter's skin turned a pale green. His hand flew to cover his mouth as he fled the room.
"I'd better go and see…" Granger said quietly, looking towards the door. "I'm glad you're going to be all right, Professor," she said turning back, and then chased after Potter.
When she was out of earshot Weasley finally spoke. "I still think you're a miserable git." He gave Severus a long hard look. "You do anything to hurt Harry, and I'm coming after you."
While he found Ron Weasley to be a silly child, Severus appreciated the honesty. "I'd expect nothing less, but know that I'm not so easy to dispose of."
"No, apparently not," Weasley replied, and then left the room.
Potter returned alone at three o'clock sharp the next day. He carefully placed a small sealed bottle on the bedside table. "They're all there."
Severus stared him down. "You viewed all of them?"
Potter nodded nervously.
"That was my intention. I didn't actually believe that I'd survive. Did anyone else see them?"
"I told Ron and Hermione about them, but they didn't watch. I showed a few to Kingsley, but only what was necessary to clear your name."
"Very well."
Potter fidgeted, shifting his weight from side to side, but Severus had no intention of making this easy for him. He waited patiently for Potter to say something.
"I'm glad you're recovered," he said, finally.
"Not fully, but I hope to be soon." Severus took a deep breath and could feel the slight tingle of his magic returning. Indeed it would be soon, and the minute he could, he would leave St. Mungo's.
"That's good." Potter stuffed his hands into the pockets of his Muggle jeans. "Umm. Can I get you anything? Water?"
"I am fine at the moment, thank you."
Potter looked desperate to say something, but instead chewed on his lower lip. He looked as if he hadn't been sleeping and was still as thin as a rail. Severus contemplated asking Potter how he was doing, but pushed away the idea. Resentment and gratitude waged a private war in Severus mind. He didn't want Potter to leave, but didn't know what he wanted to say to the boy. There was any number of unanswered questions.
"You said that you remembered me visiting," Potter said, keeping his eyes on his shoes.
"I remember yelling."
A pale blush crept up Potter's neck.
"But I also remember kind words as well." Severus hadn't meant to extend an olive branch, but there it was.
"I…" Potter stumbled for something to say.
There wasn't one ounce of confidence. He hardly looked like someone who could have defeated the Dark Lord. Severus wondered what that might have looked like.
"The Dark Lord cannot return?" There had been so little information in the print articles. It left Severus wondering if the Dark Lord was truly gone forever.
"He's dead. For good."
"What about you? The piece of his soul?"
"I was able to return."
"When Narcissa lied for you?"
"Yes."
"You had been dead?"
"Yes."
"Albus," Severus whispered.
"He wanted me to take a leap of faith, I think."
Sacrifice was more likely. Severus could feel a headache coming on. It was too much to consider. "How?"
"Maybe another day. It'll take some time, and you need your rest." Severus could tell that Potter was purposefully holding back.
"Why did you visit?" There, he asked it.
"I don't know. I had to. It felt like…"
"What?"
"Like I owed you something."
"You owe me nothing!" Severus snapped. "I didn't do it for you."
"I know that."
"Not just for the memory of your mother either."
"But I thought…"
"I cared for her. She was my first love, but it wasn't only her death. There were others. And it wasn't simple remorse either. I did it..." Severus enunciated every word slowly and clearly, "because it needed to be done."
"I don't understand."
Severus, not caring that all he was wearing was a thin hospital gown, leapt off the bed and loomed large over Potter. "Of course you don't, you insipid fool. You think I didn't recognize or understand the nature of evil? You think I didn't see the Dark Lord for what he was? You think me incapable of love and compassion? You think you're the only one who lost someone they loved?"
"No!"
Severus could feel the magic radiating like heat off Potter's body. He breathed it in before continuing. "Do not delude yourself into thinking that you know who I am because you witnessed a few scattered memories. You saw only what I wanted you to see."
"I… I don't," Potter murmured, backing away.
How could anyone who wielded so much power be so pathetic? Severus pressed forward. "You don't know anything. Yes, you lost your parents, but you were mourning that which you never knew."
"I lost my friends. I lost Sirius."
"Do not bring him into this. I'm not talking about family or friends. You have no idea what it's like to be in love so fully and completely that you physically ache at the thought of losing the other person."
"My mother?"
"Not your mother! It's not all about your mother, or you, or your father, or Black. I do not revolve around you as the rest of the universe appears to do – or as Albus Dumbledore would have it."
"Who then?"
"It is not your business. Be off! We are done here."
"You owe me an explanation."
"I owe you nothing!"
"I stood by you. I cleared your name. I sat by this bed. You ungrateful—"
"Ungrateful? I suggest a mirror. I asked for none of that."
"Do you think I asked for any of it?"
"I am not going to discuss my love or my life with an immature—"
"How dare you lecture me about love! What do you know?"
Possessed by long buried emotions, Severus grabbed the collar of Potter's shirt and pulled him close. "I know this," he whispered with his lips over Potter's, and then kissed him hard.
Potter's lips were warm and soft. He froze at first, and then struggled to pull out of Severus' firm grip. Panic and confusion filled his eyes as he finally broke free and backed his way to the door.
"You know nothing," Severus said with a deep and breathy voice that didn't sound quite like his own.
Potter fled the room without looking back.
Two days later Severus tried to wandlessly levitate his teacup without success. He needed his wand back. He was in the middle of writing another letter to Kingsley when Potter quietly entered the room.
"I thought we should talk," Potter said, the moment Severus lifted his eyes from the parchment.
"I thought we were finished."
"That doesn't seem likely. What happened the other day?"
"My magic is coming back. I want my wand."
"Kingsley said that he'd return it to you as soon as the Healers approved it."
"So you've talked to him about me."
"As much as I've needed to. You're avoiding the question." Potter seemed far more secure than the previous day.
"Yes, I am."
"Who were you referring to?"
"To whom."
"What?"
"Never mind. I am no longer your Professor. If you wish to speak like a Troll, be my guest." Severus rolled up the small piece of parchment and extended it to Potter. "Give this to Kingsley, and don't come back without my wand."
Hesitantly, Potter took the note. "Fine," he said with a deep scowl on his face.
Potter was an utter nuisance, but at least Severus could make use of him as an influential messenger boy.
Late the next evening, Potter returned with Severus' wand in hand.
"You can have it on one condition," Potter said evenly.
"I'm not going to bargain with you for that which is rightfully mine."
"You think you have rights?"
"Don't toy with me." Severus stepped off the bed. Potter's grip slackened the moment Severus crowded into his personal space. He easily snatched his wand out of Potter's hand.
"I want to understand what you were talking about the other day," Potter whined.
"Does it matter?"
"Yes. I need to know."
"Why?"
"I can't explain. Why are you still hiding things? After all this time? After everything that we've been through?"
"Interesting choice of pronoun, Potter. I wasn't aware of our mutual experiences."
"Weren't they?"
"I'm not going to discuss this. I am going home." Severus rummaged through the box of clothing and pulled out one of his black robes. He didn't even bother to turn away to change. He stared down Potter's gawking stare as he removed the hospital gown and pulled on his robes. They hung loosely on his body reminding Severus of how close to death he had come. His shoes, however, squeezed his feet uncomfortably.
"Did you get a good look?" Severus challenged, before hitting his possessions with a Shrinking Charm. It was his first directed magic since his recovery and it felt brilliant, cathartic even. He was confident that Apparition would not be a problem, although he was uncertain what he would find at Spinner's End.
"Where are you going?" Potter asked when he finally found his voice again.
"Home."
"It's… umm…"
"Spit it out!"
"The Ministry has it warded," Potter replied. "To keep it safe," he quickly added.
"Like the Aurors outside are keeping me safe?"
"Yes. I can talk to Kingsley. It might take a day or two."
"I'm not spending one more minute in this infected hostel."
Severus was contemplating spending a few nights at Hogwarts, when Potter made an extraordinary offer.
"You can stay at Grimmauld Place. I've fixed it up. Well, a little anyway."
"I have no intention of—"
"Don't be so stubborn. It's just for the night. I'll go to the Ministry in the morning."
Severus didn't fancy the idea, but he keenly wanted to find out what happened with Potter and the Dark Lord. He gave a curt nod, and Potter smiled, of all the ludicrous things.
"Good. We can finish our conversation there."
Astonishingly, the Aurors on duty didn't try to stop them when Potter informed them that they were no longer needed and that he was taking Professor Snape home.
The Headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix was as dark and dismal as when Severus had last seen it. The damage had been repaired, and it was habitable, but not much more. Potter settled him into one of the guest quarters and offered a cup of tea in the kitchen.
The tea was watery, but it was warm and soothing as it went down his throat. "Thank you for retrieving my wand."
"You're welcome. See, was that so difficult?"
"You're pushing your luck."
"Sorry, but there's so much we need to talk about. To clear the air." Potter fussed with his teacup. "I don't think I can truly move on until I understand what happened… with you specifically."
Potter sounded a tad obsessed. Severus was intrigued. "Potter, you will never fully understand the past. You really should let it go."
"I can't. And would it kill you to call me Harry?"
"It might."
Potter laughed softly and wiped his brow. "I want to understand. It's this incomplete puzzle, and I'm missing several pieces."
"Well, I want to know what happened with the Dark Lord. After Nagini attacked me, you carried on. What happened? How did you survive?"
"You want to trade?"
"I don't think you'll be that interested in what I have to say, but I will tell you, if you show me." Severus brandished his wand.
"Oh. You want to… All right. If that's what it takes."
Severus trained his wand on Potter. "Think of what you want to show me. Don't block me out. Let me in."
Potter took a deep breath and nodded.
"Legilimens!"
Potter's thoughts and memories of the events of the final battle were scattered and often not chronological, but the emotions of the events were quite clear. To say that it was not what Severus expected was an understatement. Potter's unwavering bravery and self-sacrifice were astounding. The boy had become a man.
Severus became transfixed on Potter's search for Horcruxes and began to piece together some semblance of the Dark Lord's darkest magic and Albus' strategy. Potter allowed him full access as he probed his mind, and Severus continued for as long as the spell and his own stamina would allow. The Deathly Hallows came as a surprise – more information that Albus had carefully hoarded. The final confrontation in the Great Hall of Hogwarts was even more awe inspiring than the eyewitness accounts in The Daily Prophet.
When he finally emerged, Severus was exhausted and weary from the ordeal. Potter looked worn out as well.
"I need a brandy," Severus said, rising shakily to his feet.
"Me too. Accio Brandy! " A decanter flew into the kitchen and Potter levitated it gently onto the table. He Summoned two snifters from the cabinet and gave Severus a generous pour.
Severus took a healthy sip and then asked, "What became of the Deathly Hallows?"
"The stone is lost. I've returned the wand and kept the cloak. I'm trusting that you won't go looking for them."
"I have no interest in immortality. I barely have enough interest in my current existence to keep living."
"You survived Nagini's attack. I'd say that counts for a will to live."
"Perhaps." Severus took another soothing sip. It was a fine quality of magical brandy. Potter probably inherited it with the house.
"I showed you mine. Now it's time to show me yours."
"Rather crude, aren't you, Potter?"
"Harry."
"Fine, Harry, I will tell you what you want to know." Severus drained his snifter. "Your mother was a dear friend. She was a wonderful person, and I practically pushed her into your father's arms. I loved her. I can say that now. I probably loved her as much as I hated your father, but life is not simple. There were other things that I wanted. I wanted respect, power, a place in society."
"So you were willing to cast her aside," Potter said, sounding offended.
"I didn't want to, but there was no other course. She was Muggle-born and by default could not fit in where I was going. And do not judge me. I am not telling you all of this so that you can render a grand decision about my motives and choices. You wanted to know what else I've lost. I'm telling you."
Potter nodded. "Go ahead."
"I joined the ranks of the Death Eaters. They valued my abilities, but not my company. I was… lonely."
Potter had the audacity to snort.
"I realize that you think me inhuman, but I am a man of passions, you arrogant twat. I'm also a man of a certain – how shall I put this? – flexibility."
"Oh."
"Yes. It was a strange curiosity that I should despise Sirius Black and yet I had no problem falling for his younger brother."
"Regulus?" Potter leaned forward with great interest.
"Surprised?"
"I… I'm not sure."
"At first it was simply physical. It was a release. We were both fairly young, and nervous around the Dark Lord. It was a dark time, but over that time, it developed into something more – a relationship."
"You were in love?"
"I believed so. I also believed that I was responsible for his death."
"How so?"
"After I had heard of the Dark Lord's plot to go after you, I begged Dumbledore to hide Lily, to hide all of you. I was… conflicted. I tried to keep my doubts from Regulus to protect him. He was not nearly as good an Occlumens as I was. The Dark Lord probably tortured him to death trying to find out—"
"No."
"What?"
Potter grabbed Severus' wand form the table and held it out to him. "Look," he said, urging with his eyes. Green eyes exactly like Lily's. Severus had once thought that they would be the last sight he would see on this earth.
"I've had two shots of Brandy, I'm hardly—"
"Look," he said forcefully, and shoved the wand into the other man's hand. "You need to see this."
"Legilimens!"
For the second time that night Severus Snape's world was rocked to its core. He watched Kreacher's retelling of Regulus' story in abject misery. It was overwhelming. He almost lost the connection of the spell twice. When it was over, Severus fell out of his chair and collapsed on the floor.
"He…" Severus couldn't get the words out. Potter helped him to his feet and then to the guest room at the top of the stairs.
"I lost the two people who meant the most in this world to me," Severus said as Potter lowered him onto the bed and removed his shoes.
"I'm sorry." It sounded sincere.
"That's a laugh. I never gave you a single kind word."
"But you protected me. You watched over me."
"I wanted to torment you as I wanted to torment your father, as your father tormented me. I completely ignored that you might be your mother's child."
Potter blew out the candles and walked away. "Goodnight, Professor."
Severus fell asleep from sheer exhaustion. Being awake was incredibly tiring.
"I can go with you," Potter said, when Severus stood to leave.
"Nonsense. You said the wards are down. I don't need help to enter my own home."
Severus had slept past noon and it had done him a world of good. Potter had tea and sandwiches ready along with the news that the Aurors had removed the wards over Spinner's End.
"I can help you straighten out the inside."
"Potter, are you offering to be my house-elf?"
"No. God. Why are you so stubborn?"
"I'm not particularly comfortable with your sudden change in attitude towards me. I never liked you. I don’t see how any of that has changed."
"Why can't I help you?"
"I do not need your pity. I'm perfectly capable—"
"It's not pity. I just want…"
"What?" Severus snapped.
"Everyone else is dead."
"What are you talking about? Granger? The Weasleys? Well, most of them. They survived."
"No. I mean… my parents, Sirius, Remus, even Wormtail. They're all gone. The Longbottoms and Prewetts. Anyone who grew up with my parents. You're it."
"So you want my pity then?"
"Arggh! You're the most infuriating—" Potter stomped his foot like a petulant child.
"That will not change. Not where you're concerned anyway."
"Why?" Potter stepped in front of Severus in challenge.
"Why what?"
"Why did you show me this other side of you? You say you're a man of passion. You say you know of love. You say you care. Why not me? Why don't I get any of that?"
Severus grabbed Potter by his upper arms and forced him three steps back against the kitchen wall. "You silly child. You don't know what you're asking. You don't know what you want at all."
"I'm not a child!" Potter tried to push himself off the wall, but Severus had the advantage of height and held him in place.
"No, I suppose you're not anymore, but this is not what you want. My life is at its end and I wish to find peace and quiet. Your life is just beginning. Go live it. You have the world at your feet. They will all bow before you and that I will never do."
"I don't want you to bow at my feet. I don't want anyone to bow at my feet," he protested.
"What then?" Severus stared directly into his eyes, daring him to answer.
"I want… I want to feel something… anything."
"Do not toy with me."
"I'm not."
Instinctively, Severus knew it was a grievous mistake, but he couldn't resist the soft pouting lips and defiant stare. He also couldn't resist the allure of the son of James Potter begging for attention from him. He leaned forward and pressed his mouth against Potter's, urging it open into a hot and angry kiss. Severus insinuated a knee between Potter's legs and pushed upward with his thigh. Potter moaned and pushed his crotch against Severus' leg as he desperately clutched at his robes to pull the other man closer.
Severus kissed across Potter's face and to his neck, sucking and nipping along the way. All the while, Potter writhed and thrusted against his thigh like a dog in heat.
It was too easy and over too quickly. Potter whimpered as he came in his pants without Severus even having to lay a hand on him.
"Is that what you wanted?" Severus whispered callously in Potter's ear.
Tears streamed down Potter's cheeks as Severus pulled back to assess the damage. He was painfully hard but that didn't matter. All that mattered was Apparating the hell away from Potter and never having to face him again.
"You've got what you wanted. Now never return to my sight again."
"What?" Potter looked positively distraught.
"We are finished. I never wish to lay eyes on you again. Is that clear?"
Potter straightened up and stuck out his chin. "Don't worry, you won't."
Continue to Part 2: Not a Social Call (Five Years Later)
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